My Sister's Passing

I have noticed something recently. My beloved sister Carol passed away last week. For some reason I don't feel bad. I mean I do not feel overwhelmed with emotion, sad to the point I cannot stop thinking about her, or walking around dwelling on her being gone from my life. Some of this can be hidden. It was ten years after my mother passed in 1971 that I awoke in the middle of the night dissolved in tears and was comforted by my wife over how much I missed her. Over the years I have come to realize that death is a part of life and that it serves as a reminder on how to treat people. Anger is an emotion that passes and time and talk can resolve. But to carry anger or hatred for a person all of our life stains our life and makes the colors less bright.

I'm not angry at my sister. I love her very much. Which is another thing I've come to realize and mean to correct. When someone passes I've heard people say I loved him or her so much. My sister is gone, I love her. I don't love her memory, I have memories, but I love her. I love my Dad, I love my Mom, they have all been dead for some time. My love for them will die when I die, not when they die.

Yet I remain puzzled, my surface feeling is peace and wonderment that such a fine person could be removed from our midst and no momentous event of nature took place. No gathering of clouds, no shaking of the earth, no rattling of the wind, just a passing of a shadow that will remain forever in the minds of those who knew and love her.

I have also come to learn that greatness is not solely for the great. The attributes that make people great often spring from those who simply go about their lives caring for people, standing for principles, and trying to make a difference. That difference can be large or small and the impact can also be large or small. It isn't a measure of greatness that large numbers were effected, but that the effort was successful at all. My sister Carol was active in her community, had circles of good friends, had a boundless sense of humor and loved to laugh. Sure there were a lot of things that made her angry, and she became upset with family members from time to time, but it never lasted. She had a good perspective on life and lived it to its fullest measure. Even days before she passed she made her famous Strawberry/Rhubarb pie for her daughter and her partner. Then she made a choice of how she wanted it to end. Her end came peacefully, her children were with her, she was comfortable and knew the deep love of family before she went. It was almost as though she charged up to the door, stopped and went through of her own accord. 

I will miss her. She meant a lot to me personally. When I was going through a medical challenge a few years ago I talked with her daily. She never objected, she told me of her situation with cancer in 2001 and her recovery, she shared intimate stories of her recovery with me to help me understand my own situation. She and I were close. One day a few years ago she and I took a trip to Traunik, MI. to the Mikullich family home. Our family and their family are linked by my brother's marriage to Gladys, or Micky one of the children. We marveled at the size of the upstairs home above the old store. We wondered what it must've been like to raise such a large family in such a small area. It was a bright, sunny blue sky kind of day that makes being out and about in the U.P. so special. We had such a fine time, just the two of us. It was a great day.


The picture is of me, Tom, Carol, and Phyl.

So now there are two, my sister Phyl and I. Phyl is 86, I am 68. The odds are I will be the last. However, I feel no weight to carry on anything, my Mom and Dad and siblings have done all the heavy lifting. I will enjoy their fruits and live my life hoping that when I face that door I have enough grace and class to pass through as Carol did.

Moral dilemmas.

When I was young I used to day dream of hunting. I used to dream of bringing wild game home and feeding my family. Rabbit stew, squirrel stew, venison steak, liver, partridge, pheasant all made up the menu. I've killed rabbits, squirrel partridge and pheasant. I've never killed a deer even though I've filled the air with lead. I have eaten a fair about of venison though. That has not bothered me from a moral standpoint killing to gain food. After all, isn't that the instinct of all species, survival. Some are prey, some are predators, but the food chain is vast and varied.

Cattle bother me. I've seen pictures of abused cattle being prodded with electrical shock sticks, hung by their feet and whisked down a overhead conveyor while still alive. Disheartening treatment by the superior predator, Man!

We live close to a butcher. He has his own herd, he slaughters calves mostly and has been doing so for years. As my wife and I travel back and forth I've seen him down a beast and cut it throat in the holding pen that is along side the road we travel. Terry came home one day to meet the man with a carcass slung from the front end loader taking it to the shop for processing. The holding pen isn't bad, it gets muddy when it rains but there is shelter, water and feed. He does not seem to mistreat his cattle. In my mind though it is death row. There is only one way out for those cattle waiting there and that is hanging on the end of a front end loader.

I have talked about buying meat from the man for some time but Terry has it in her mind what happens to his cows and considers him a murderer. I must admit I find it rather tough to look at the young cattle in the holding pen. Yesterday when I rode by the man was out by the fence doing something when a young bull kicked up its heels and joyfully jumped towards the man. Kind of like, "you want to play?" He paid no attention to the steer, and I don't blame him, you certainly cannot get attached to your inventory that way. But it made me feel sad. I kept thinking the beast does not know what awaits him, or does he? I hope not, I hope God has made that species to live only in the moment and not have the ability to contemplate the future. 

I got some raw bones from the man a few weeks ago and the dogs enjoyed them immensely. From time to time I thought, have I seen the steer whose bones you are gnawing on? However, they are deriving great pleasure, the dogs that is, and certainly good nourishment. But, I still can't help but feel guilty and sad. That's life, no one has ever said it is fair or just. Plus, I've talked with the man, he is a friendly nice man. Probably one I would enjoy knowing. It is a quandary I have no answer for.

Christmas Thoughts 2012

It has been a wonderful Christmas time. I came to realize that this is the first time in a number of years I have felt well at Christmas. Five years ago I was waiting for surgery on January 9 to remove a tumor from my colon. Four years ago while the surgery was successful, I was still recovering and had had my gall bladder out in November 2008. 2009 brought a pretty good year, but I was encountering digestive tract issues that I did not understand and were frustrating. In 2010 I was miserable, what we thought was IBS was in fact the tumor recurring and partially blocking my colon. 2011 was recovery from months of radiation, chemo, surgery to resect the bowel a second time, then surgery to reverse the illeostomy. This is the first year I felt well in body and spirit. I hope I have many more years of wellness. I can handle the aches and pains of age, but the unwell feeling is a real downer.

This year I have come to realize that my grandchildren at moving out of the toddler stage to young girls. I am encounter.

This year I am still amazed at my oldest daughter, Kristi and how she has grown and matured and taken charge of her life. She is doing, and going, and being a vital part of her nieces lives.

This year I am amazed at the woman who married me. She exhibited strength beyond my understanding during my illness. She cares so deeply and loves so much. She is truly a partner, I hope I am worthy of her.

Other grandchildren have come into play, Sam helps so much and is so eager to do so. Timmy lives in our trailer and is willing to help, he provides for himself, and is not problem.

The dogs are beyond measure. I have chosen to love them unconditionally, although sometimes that is difficult. They have rewarded us with the same love, and constantly look out for us, are around us, and always willing to let a hand pet them.

This Christmas was truly a magical time for me. My daughters, Jenny and Kristi were full of the spirit of the occasion and are going on about their lives in such a comfortable fashion. My sisters seem well, and their families are supportive and caring. It just seems like a good time for reflection, and I sense serenity and peace of mind. The greatest things a person can have.

Politics, Politics

It is two days since the November 6, 2012 national election. I would feel remiss if I didn't comment, not that it matters much. Obama won. I am neither happy nor sad. I voted for Obama. I voted for Obama more because the Republican party did not seem to stand for anything that I could get my mind around. 

A Senate candidate in our neighboring state of Missouri made a comment that if a woman were raped her body could prevent contraception. In Indiana a Senate candidate said if a woman is impregnated by rape it was intended by God. They were both beat and should have been.

We have the religious right, evangelical Christians who were against Obama and got our over 70% of their base to vote for Romney, problem is their base accounts for less than 25% of the eligible voters. They alienated much of the other 75%. Smart huh?

A map of the U.S. showing voters densities is almost all red, Republican. The population centers of the U.S. are all blue, democratic. What did Sam Kinison, the abrasive comedian say, "It's where the fucking people live." Don't visit North Dakota, that's not where the people are. 

What happens when large groups of people live near one another. They come to see the value in diversity. It stretches the imagination, it pushes your mind to new possibilities. When you and forty others gather in church on a blustery windswept prairie guess what, you all have the same issues and feed one another the same solutions, nothing new there. So guess what, people in large cities are more tolerant of extremes like abortions and women in positions of authority and power. Guess what, smog and the environment are an issue when your government services are handling millions of contributors to the sewage system and choking the highways with auto exhaust. It is hard to imagine why the environment should be of such concern on the lonely roads of Wyoming. 

Why should the government spend a bunch of money. Look what we do in society.  When we go to far we go bankrupt, no big deal. Start the program all over. We demand outstanding health service that only the employed and well of get. You ought to go visit a county health department and see who is sitting there waiting to try and get their kid into a clinic someplace. We have to drive cars that call home for us, phones that whisper in our ear, and devices that connect us with the world 24/7. We listen to get rich quick schemes of "flipping" houses and Wall Street comes up with financial products that are based upon huge leveraged investments in huge mortgage bundles whose contents can't even be ascertained. 

Then when the whole thing falls in the shitter we ask the government to bail us out. When we have to generate cash into society to get people to spend we run up a deficit and guess what, when the government starts to live like we do as a society we don't like it. 

So now we find ourselves in an interesting position. In a month and a half we hit a wall and huge spending cuts will be mandated and a large tax increase will fall upon our heads. Guess what, it is the old Congress that has to fix it, not the new guys. The American people reelected BO by 2.5 million votes, not an overwhelming margin considering about 110 million votes were cast. About 2%? Not a margin a President can hang the mandate handle on. The Republican goal of taking over the Senate was thwarted. So now we have the old boys in Congress who dragged their feet, who said NO to all that Obama tried now will be blamed for the biggest ride back downhill if they don't get off their collective asses. I find some comfort in that, the bastards.

The people have said yes to Obamacare, they've said we must have a check and balance system but most of they have collectively told our political men and women, you figure it out now. Get along, put your heads together. This is not a Republican problem, nor is a Democratic problem, it is an American problem and we expect you to rise above petty politics and do something amazing for a change. Solve a GODDAMN problem!!! If I were Obama I'd hold their feet to the fire and say come up with something because I am not signing a "kick the can down the road" bill. You've till December 31, 2012. AMEN.

Kicked to the side of the road

How does it feel to be kicked to the side of the road? Not good. At the moment it happens it made me so angry I would've liked to commit mayhem. I did not write about it any sooner because it usually takes me a while to get my head around a very emotional event and I would have said things I do not need to say.

I was given a choice of taking a less responsible position with my employer or leaving the organization. I took the less responsible job. I need to have healthcare coverage until December 2013. That is when my wife Terry will be 63 1/2 year old and I can carry her on COBRA until her 65th birthday so she can get Medicare.

So, I was placed between a rock and a hard place. The decision was not hard, I will take care of my wife first. What really drove me to distraction was the manner the reassignment was handled. A lady who I worked with for over 10 years left the college I worked at. She went to another college where she did not fare so well. However, because she was the contact for a helicopter school that wanted to expand its operation and introduced the flight school to the community, plus asked for her job back she was not only given her old job, but mine too. I was told she was the successor and they (the organization) decided to move the succession plan up. Given this is a state institution with a hiring policy that requires open posting and selection a succession plan makes little sense.

Regardless I am in my new position. It will not be the work the old one was and the folks are good. I'll make the best of it until I can retire, then I'll put it all behind me and enjoy retirement and old age with my wife.

HOWEVER; they have really angered me and I am pursuing all of the internal remedies in a grievance procedure, then I'll file an EEOC charge of age discrimination. I may not get anywhere but I'll make sure the facts get aired.

My First Video Blog. Flex-Sigmoidoscopy

One Man's Poison Another's Medicine

We have been in need of rain for some time now. Like most of the country we are experiencing a drought, although we did have rain in July and are not as try as some, the lawn has gone dormant and the trees are looking distressed. So when hurricane Isaac was named and the track heading for the Gulf I thought we'd see some relief. We have. Late Thursday night/Friday morning it started to rain. I've  been watching the rain bands of the storm  north of the eye and we were on the right side meaning the counter rotation of the low was bringing water to our region. Yea!

Yet when it came I could not help but wonder about Mother Nature. We were experiencing some heavy rain but mostly moderate to light and steady. The wind was up, but we've seen a lot more wind than that and not called it anything but a windy day. Friday it rained off and on, and early Saturday morning a tendril of the bands hanging down from the storm moved through Paragould producing a nice soft steady rain all night long. It was the kind of rain farmers dream about. 

Yet hundreds of miles south of us homes were flooded, lives were lost, there was widespread devastation and severe property damage. New Orleans was pretty much spared but some of the Parrishs of Louisiana were severely flooded and emergency evacuation was taking place. Thousands of people were sleeping in shelters and hundreds of thousands were without power. Here, we lay in comfort with the window open listening to the soft rain of Isaac, the monster now tamed by moving over land and losing its engine of warm sea water. 

Like I said, one man's poison is another man's medicine. Mother Nature is certainly a complicated force.