Odd results

Several years ago I started a family newsletter called Notes from a Little Log Cabin in the Arkansas woods. It began two summers ago when I attended a Dean Family memorial which was my Mother's family, so it was my Mom and aunts and uncles related by blood to her. I had not seen several of my cousins in over 40 years and had lost contact with many. I thought we cousins shared our early years up into our teens in some cases and it would be a shame to lose contact and knowledge of how their lives unfolded. So I started the newsletter to try and keep in contact.

At first the newsletter were simply stories about my life, Terry and I in our log cabin in Arkansas and our rustic life style. However on occasion I would get a brief email about some cousin or family member which I would include in the news letter and send on its way. It appears as time has gone on that there is more and more involvement in the newsletter and so far every family member has commented in a positive fashion that it is nice to know what is going on with the family.

Recently my brother-in-law, Chap Smathers passed away and that was a significant loss for many of our family as he was well known in the family and well loved. My mailing list was humming with news of his health decline and eventual passing. In fact, several family members relied on the newsletter or distribution list for news of what was happening.

Since that time I have had more and more contact with family members and now have a backlog of news items to pass along. So my endeavor to keep contact among the immediate family members seems to be paying off. I have also been pleasantly surprised to have two of my nephews asked to be added to the family distribution list. They are a generation or two younger and I thought there would not be much interest, but apparently I was wrong. So on I shall type and we'll see what the next few years bring.

Sometimes Reality Sucks!

This is tough. Here I am facing my own health issues of colon cancer, chemo/radiation treatments, two surgeries and just the stress of the health issues. Added to that is my Brother Chap Smathers who appears to be in the final stages of congestive heart failure. He is now in a nursing home where they are attempting some rehab programs, but there is no doubt this is the late stages of that disease. It just breaks my heart, I've known the man for over 60 years. He is truly like a brother to me and I love him dearly. Chap is one of those truly good hearted people you have the privilege of being close to.

On top of that, I have an organization I direct that has taken some direct hits this year. I lost my information techie to cancer two months ago. I watched him go through a truly agonizing two year treatment program that left him sick and in pain for much of the time. We would talk and discuss outcomes and I visited him in the hospital the day he passed. He was 37 and left a wife and two kids ages 1 and 6.


Ninety days ago the man who has a degree in Mechanical Engineering from Old Miss and is our mechanical and hydraulic instructor was seeming healthy and looking forward to the challenge of this new school year. Then bang, he starts putting on two pounds of weight a day and they run tests. The scans found a tumor that had taken one kidney, was intruding on his heart and liver and was deemed inoperable. He now is resting in a hospice in Jonesboro, AR. This guy is also a good hearted man and perhaps the most intellectual of our group. In addition he plays violin, was active in Civil War reenactments and period presentations, played all over NE Arkansas and was known by many. Now we shall lose him.

Finally a computer instructor who had her female check up in January started experiencing some abdominal pain in March and was diagnosed with ovarian cancer. Surgery removed most of the cancer and chemotherapy seems to have taken care of the rest. She still has four treatments to go and is up and around, teaching some classes and looks good. But ovarian cancer doesn't usually have a good outcome. I pray this one does.

Thats a lot of death and pain surrounding me all of a sudden. I do not know if I have accepted the inevitable or I have detached from the reality. I don't seem to feel anything but a strong obligation to reach out to these people and talk to them and wish them well and try to do what I can for them. But I also have my own issues to handle. In some way this distraction takes away from my own recovery and that seems to be progressing quite well. Regardless, this period of my life is unique in my experience and I hope once it is passed that it doesn't occur again with this intensity.

I still look out the window and see a beautiful sky, or scene. I still marvel at the love and care our dogs extend to my wife and I. I have come to appreciate my children in new and expanded ways and still want to live many years to experience all the joy life has to provide. Right now however, it is just tough, a day to day, put one foot in front of the other and plod along existence.

Some thoughts

My daughter Jenny and I get into some long discussions, last night, May 13, 2011 was no exception. I enjoy our talks, we don't always have the same point of view, in fact, I would hope we don't. However our talks are lively and cover a wide range of subjects. As we were talking last night I told her that even though I consider myself a Republican, this is not the Republican party I signed up for. On the one hand the conservatives argue that mandatory participation in health care is not constitutional and abridges ones individual rights. On the other hand they champion banning abortion and say that a woman has no right to choice, thereby ignoring her individual rights. They speak out of both sides of their mouths.

One commentator I heard, and I agree with his point is the every person in America will make use of our health care system at some time and therefore it is only fair that all should participate. I think that is a telling argument. I'm willing to pay my way, but I'll be damned if I feel I should pay for someone's health needs when their choice to refuse insurance is they are young and won't make use of it now.

Anyway, Jenny and I have some special talks. I treasure them. It is so nice to have two daughters that we just openly talk about all issues and respect our rights to hold our own beliefs. It is one of my most enjoyable times, I love to discuss issues, it is how I expand my knowledge.

A new blog

I have started a new blog. It is titled Bowel Resection Home Recovery. I have decided not to mess up this blog with medical issues that can become kind of disgusting and may have more relevance to folks going through bowel resection. I have received a number of comments ranging from Scotland to Australia concerning my Goggle of Bowel Resection Home Recovery and obviously it has meant something to somebody. So I thought I just have a dedicated blog and see if that picks up some folks how may need some help.

Went to the Dr this morning

I went to see our family Dr this morning. I actually had an appointment for tomorrow but my mind has been working on me and currently has the best of my condition. I am very concerned about the state of my bowels. This Dr is a good one, a GP or here in the South a Family Practitioner. He takes time with you. Turns out he has much the same problem as I, and I have an appointment with a GI Dr but not for about six weeks. Whew, that is a long time to have the bowel problem I have. However he did tell me that he takes six fiber pills a day and that seems to work pretty well for him. After quite a detailed discussion he does not feel that there is much concern for some growth or scar tissue, or even an adhesion. But, he does recommend I see the GI guy.

I came home and have taken the recommended dose of Fleet Sodium Phosphate laxative to clean out for a colonoscopy. My stomach is rumbling and I'm hoping to have some relief soon. It has been 12 days. However, I feel better talking with the Doc as he just felt my problem is one of a combination of fiber and bowel training. So I guess we shall see what happens.

I'm scared!

I think I write too many posts with the idea that my daughters will read them and I don't want to appear human, Dad's aren't human, they are towers of strength and fix things. However, I didn't write this blog to be syrupy positive and strong, but to reflect the events in my life that may have some interest to my loved ones and whoever else may come across these writing. So here goes.

I'm scared. When I had the bowel resection almost four years ago I was mostly numb. The colonoscopy said I needed surgery. I didn't fret, I was just like an automaton, going along not reflecting or thinking about it too much. The polyp turned out to be cancerous, but caught so early the Dr's all said, "you're cured." Recovery was just that, putting one foot in front of the other waiting for time to pass and my body to heal itself, which it did. However, there has always been a problem. I do not go to the bathroom easily.

I had pretty much resolved my self to a life of having strain & pain when I had a BM. However, I found relief and had an hour of pain but 23 hours of ease. I had resolved it to be an acceptable trade. However, as time has gone on the pain & strain has gotten worse. It culminated about five weeks ago to almost constant pain and bloating with small periods of relief. I didn't do anything. I could not make sense of the events but was hoping something would pass or it would get better.

Now after several episodes I think the restriction has become more pronounced. I had a "bug" hit me about a week and a half ago and in the process I took a strong laxative that literally cleaned me out. The result was after the bug passed I had 3-5 days of almost euphoric ease. I had energy, the old optimism was in force, I was alive and vital. But, I wasn't going to the bathroom, it was just stacking up in my body. I have tried 4 doses of laxatives in the past week without success. I get painful cramping, a sick feeling, and no relief.

Why am I scared. Because I think the problem is mechanical, not an illness. I think there has always been a restriction but for some reason it is worse. I'm scared because I feel like I'm going to have to under go a battery of tests including a CT and that time energy and fear will be spent on trying to find out what is going on. I don't really believe it is a return of cancer. I just had a colonoscopy ten months ago and the report was all clear. However the Dr. at VA that did the test had the personality of a slug. He didn't even acknowledge me when he came into the OR to do the procedure. He certainly brought me out long enough to point out that there was still some fecal material in the colon and that I hadn't cleaned out really well. He was an ass. But that didn't mean he didn't do his job and the report was OK. Could it be scar tissue building up? I suppose. Maybe it is a slight kink. Regardless it is going to cost me time, energy and worry until it gets resolved and that has me angry, frustrated and afraid all at the same time.

My wife is able to set aside worries and do something to focus her mind elsewhere. Me, I've got to obsess about it, I have to speculate, wonder and analyze. It is my nature about all things, I wonder, I try to learn, I speculate and I analyze. It has been one of my most powerful characteristics in my work life, but it is one of my terrible faults in my personal life. So here I sit, scared, worried and frustrated of what I see looming as a significant problem. However, I also know that I carry that analysis to the extreme and what has seemed to be insurmountable issues have been quite insignificant when reality is determined. I hope that is the case this time.

A week to go

A week from tomorrow, mid-term elections will be over. Today on NPR one panelist referred to this mid-term election as possibly setting the political tone for the next decade. Heck, I thought when Obama was elected the political tone was set for the next decade. Politics, so maddening, so confusing, yet so right.

Fact is, if the Republican's take the House they can't repeal the healthcare bill. They can underfund parts of it, but once the American people realize that the whole bills is so interrelated that you won't be able to change part of the bill without effecting a lot of the bill it will continue on.

Fact is, all of the politicians operate on raising our fear level. Regan asked the American public to think whether or not they were better off four years ago than they are today. My answer is no. I have my home paid for, I spend far less than I make, I've husbanded our resources and my home is renovated and looks good. I don't have cancer, and my heart is ticking along well, so yes, thank you for asking, I am better off than I was four years ago. So are my kids. So is my ex-wife. So are a lot of people I know.

I wish the electorate would rise up and say to Congress you must term limit yourselves. You should not be career politicians who put personal gain over public welfare. So throw the bums out. Elect the Republicans and watch our ever present political process grind down their rough, and ready edges.

Then you know what, in four years we'll ask again, are you better off today than you were four years ago? Know what, I'll bet the answer is yes.