I'm scared!

I think I write too many posts with the idea that my daughters will read them and I don't want to appear human, Dad's aren't human, they are towers of strength and fix things. However, I didn't write this blog to be syrupy positive and strong, but to reflect the events in my life that may have some interest to my loved ones and whoever else may come across these writing. So here goes.

I'm scared. When I had the bowel resection almost four years ago I was mostly numb. The colonoscopy said I needed surgery. I didn't fret, I was just like an automaton, going along not reflecting or thinking about it too much. The polyp turned out to be cancerous, but caught so early the Dr's all said, "you're cured." Recovery was just that, putting one foot in front of the other waiting for time to pass and my body to heal itself, which it did. However, there has always been a problem. I do not go to the bathroom easily.

I had pretty much resolved my self to a life of having strain & pain when I had a BM. However, I found relief and had an hour of pain but 23 hours of ease. I had resolved it to be an acceptable trade. However, as time has gone on the pain & strain has gotten worse. It culminated about five weeks ago to almost constant pain and bloating with small periods of relief. I didn't do anything. I could not make sense of the events but was hoping something would pass or it would get better.

Now after several episodes I think the restriction has become more pronounced. I had a "bug" hit me about a week and a half ago and in the process I took a strong laxative that literally cleaned me out. The result was after the bug passed I had 3-5 days of almost euphoric ease. I had energy, the old optimism was in force, I was alive and vital. But, I wasn't going to the bathroom, it was just stacking up in my body. I have tried 4 doses of laxatives in the past week without success. I get painful cramping, a sick feeling, and no relief.

Why am I scared. Because I think the problem is mechanical, not an illness. I think there has always been a restriction but for some reason it is worse. I'm scared because I feel like I'm going to have to under go a battery of tests including a CT and that time energy and fear will be spent on trying to find out what is going on. I don't really believe it is a return of cancer. I just had a colonoscopy ten months ago and the report was all clear. However the Dr. at VA that did the test had the personality of a slug. He didn't even acknowledge me when he came into the OR to do the procedure. He certainly brought me out long enough to point out that there was still some fecal material in the colon and that I hadn't cleaned out really well. He was an ass. But that didn't mean he didn't do his job and the report was OK. Could it be scar tissue building up? I suppose. Maybe it is a slight kink. Regardless it is going to cost me time, energy and worry until it gets resolved and that has me angry, frustrated and afraid all at the same time.

My wife is able to set aside worries and do something to focus her mind elsewhere. Me, I've got to obsess about it, I have to speculate, wonder and analyze. It is my nature about all things, I wonder, I try to learn, I speculate and I analyze. It has been one of my most powerful characteristics in my work life, but it is one of my terrible faults in my personal life. So here I sit, scared, worried and frustrated of what I see looming as a significant problem. However, I also know that I carry that analysis to the extreme and what has seemed to be insurmountable issues have been quite insignificant when reality is determined. I hope that is the case this time.