Another Milestone

June 9, a Monday marked 18 months since I underwent bowel resection surgery. In fact, surgery took place on a Monday, and the 18th month anniversary was a Monday. It seems like I should take stock of where I am at and obviously give thanks because of the success of the surgery.

Couple with the surgery I went on a prolonged diet and have lost over 50 pounds. My pants size has dropped 6 inches and my stamina today is better than it has been for probably 20 years. I walk for one hour a day, six days a week. God and I rest on Sunday. I am watching what I eat, but that is tough. I do enjoy food.

I have not been back to a doctor now for some six months. The follow up colonoscopy in November was normal and I do not have to have another for two years. I still have some bowel issues, however they are not causing a great deal of discomfort. I go quite often, my definition of regularity is I go regularly, but not necessarily the same time of day every day.

Each day I take stock of how my body feels. Two years ago my days tended to be a shade of Grey with some bright days that happened on occasion. I characterize my days as bright when I feel good physically and mentally, dark when I feel bad and Grey when I don't feel good but not really bad. I recall that there were times that I would be out in the yard working and I just did not feel good. I worried about my health, I knew I was terribly overweight and was taking all kinds of medication for blood pressure, diabetes, and high cholesterol. I could not see very far down life's path. Today is different. Today most of my days are bright, the shades of Grey are light, and I can't think of a black day for some time.

When is assess my body I no longer have a sick feeling. When I have some digestive tract problems I don't feel sick, usually just uncomfortable. My attitude about doing things has improved. My wife comments frequently how pleased she is that I am doing things around the house instead of sitting and letting the world pass by. I do not have the energy level I had 30 years ago, but I ain't bad. Most days I am up before 5 AM and in bed by 9 PM. That is a seventeen hour day, I rarely nap, and feel quite good. Evenings are somewhat lethargic, I guess I'm just tired from the day's out and abouting. Many people come home from work and then set about working around the house until the wee hours of the night, but I've never done that. I guess for too many years I had my nose stuck in a bottle.

I still grapple with psychological issues. Having cancer and surgery reawakened the issue of my mortality. God I love life, I don't want it to end. I enjoy talking with my daughters and following their life story. I am able to walk a picturesque little path around my ten acres, and not many people can do that. I give thanks for that. I see clouds, and scenery, and creatures and am amazed by the constantly shifting patterns life allows us to observe, if we take the time. On my morning walks I run into numerous box turtles plying the path with me in search of something to eat. We've had a change in the types of birds that frequent our yard, it isn't huge but having lived here for so long it is noticeable. I like that. I do not attribute those type of changes to global warming or any other man made phenomena, it appears to be shifting patterns as mother nature makes sure her species don't kill out an area.

I especially enjoy the morning coffee and talks my wife and I have. For years we sit in bed, drink coffee and discuss a variety of topics. Sometimes there is nothing to discuss and we have the first cup in silence. Sometimes she lays there and reads and I just think of the days events and things that have to be done. Other times we make up our shopping list and think about what is going on in the week.

Life is good and I am having a tough time dealing with the fact that the years in front of me are dwindling. All of a sudden my daughters have a generation younger then they are. That is pushing us all up the ladder. I suppose if I had accomplished more in my life, if I had invested money and felt better about my financial security perhaps I would accept aging better, but I suspect not.

It may sound like I dwell on my growing old. I really don't. I think about it while walking sometimes and then push it out of my head. Life really is good! From all indications the surgery was successful. I am off almost all medication. My blood pressure is under control, my cholesterol is low, I no longer take medications for diabetes. I really have a lot to be thankful for. I remember to be grateful every day, and I must say my brush with serious illness has tempered my behavior and attitude. When I feel my temperature rise because something is making me angry I am able to stop and say, wait a minute, what is really important here? I deal with things better than I did before.

So, eighteen months after surgery life is very good. I pray that it continues for many years in the pattern established now.

Conversations with God: 11/14/2007

I believe in God, no doubt about it. Do not confuse my belief with the fact that I am religious. I am not a member of a religious group, if you ask if I believe in Christ as our Saviour, no I believe he was an exceptional person brought to this earth to adapt a belief system. There have been other exceptional persons in this world, none perhaps with the impact of Jesus, but then at the time his impact wasn't so great. It was after his death that the power of Jesus became significant. At the time of his death society thought him a trouble maker and rabble rouser. Enough, this is not a comment on Jesus, his mission or purpose. This is about my conversations with God.

One skill God possesses that I've never found in any other being is the ability to listen. I talk, God listens. Does he answer prayers? Yes, every prayer is answered. The answer may not be to our liking, but upon reflection the answer is the best at the time and given the circumstances.

I was raised in the Methodist Church. In my middle adult years I was active in church activities. What kind of an event could change my thought process? The change was a simple one, noticed by very few yet profound in its impact on me. I am a recovering alcoholic, I have been sober for almost twenty-one years. Bill W., the founder of AA, wrote a book we drunks call "The Big Book." It is kin to the bible for our special group. In the book Bill recounts his relief from the urge to drink as a miracle. He was confined to a hospital bed in a New York City hospital for perhaps the fifteenth time and was hopeless in his fight against his disease. Bill asked again for God to relieve him of the urge to drink. That night a light entered his room, his body became warm with the healing salvation of God the urge to drink was removed, never to return again.

Now for those who don't have a drinking problem you may not understand how powerful the "urge" is. Those who smoke crack certainly can understand the physical addiction drugs can possess, well alcohol is similar and creates a power psychological need. Many alcoholics go through life fighting the urge to drink every day of their lives and that is why AA is so important as a tool to combat that urge. Some people are relieved of the urge to drink and while AA remains important they are able to devote some time to developing coping skills so life does not remain so overwhelming.

Some twenty-one years ago I was going through the travails of a marriage breaking up, an adulterous affair, a job that was going nowhere, and compounding everything was "john barleycorn." Finally in a token effort at reconciliation with my wife I agreed to undergo counseling for my drinking. When I met the counselor he doubted my ability to quit because I had a few beers the day before. I even told him I doubted my own desire to quit. The counselor then explain "the contract." The contract is a pact with God, a God of my understanding, each day, or every five minutes, whatever was required to not drink for that period. The man said, each day when you arise sit by yourself, open yourself up to God and ask him to help you through the day without drinking. All I want you to do is to not drink today. Can you do that? Sure, anyone can quit for a day. The counselor then went on to tell me that each day must begin with the same commitment to not drink, sealing the pact with a promise to God and a plea for his help in getting through the day. It sounds easy, but fact is an overwhelming number of alcoholics are unable to make this commitment day in and day out and relapse. Apparently I was more desperate than I thought I was, or I was open to God that day because he removed the urge to drink at that moment. That event does not often happen and the fight against alcohol remains a lifetime battle. Why me?

Well, why not? However the thought arose in my mind that day that I did not ask Jesus to relieve my urge to drink. I asked God. I did not fall on my knees, I did not spread my arms in supplication and beg to be relieved. I cannot even tell you a phrase I uttered, I do know that God relieved my urge to drink, it was gone and has never returned twenty-one years later. Now you know the event that changed my life.

I was 42 years old, I loved booze. I liked the taste, I liked the way it made me sociable, I like the way it helped me forget my problems. Yet it controlled my life. I could not cope with life without alcohol. I guess God understood my problem even when I didn't. So from that day forward the thought arose in my mind that it was God, not Jesus or Buddha, or some other figure associated with religions that relieved my urge to drink. The "Big Boy" himself had intervened.

So now you know why I talk to God, he listens. If you are real quiet, and don't bias your understanding with personal wishes sometimes he even answers in a fashion I can understand. It is not a voice, it is not some external mechanism that provides me with the answer, it is just an understanding that I have been answered and it is OK.