Tuesday, June 16, 2009

The Vagaries of a Bug's Life

Jeesus Christ, I get into the most ridiculous situations. Here I am at work. I have to go to the bathroom. So, I'm sitting peacefully on the throne surveying my kingdom when a small millipede encroaches on my territory. The bathroom has a tile floor and is quite clean, you don't think I'd go in anything else do you?

Anyway, the bug is approaching my shoe. Instead of stomping on it I moved it to one side. It curled into a ball, a purely protective move, and lay still for 15 or 20 seconds. Then it's little antennae started twitching and pretty soon it is trying to turn itself over as it is on its back. The bug has an oval shaped shell that makes it kind of like a turtle trying to right itself after having been turned over. The problem is the tile floor is too smooth for the bug to gain a foothold to turn itself over, so there it struggles.

Now I start to reflect on the bug's life. What a predicament! There it was, minding it's own business going on a trek across a vast expanse of tile. Then all of a sudden its on its back and can't get turned over, oh dear, oh dear! I start to think about its existence. What if I stomped it? Will it know eternity, is there a bug heaven? Does it deserve to go there? Does it deserve such an ignoble death as being stomped upon by a person sitting on a commode? What is an honorable death for a bug? Battle? Fending off vile predators so it can go home and nurture its baby bugs? What the hell am I thinking???

In a fit of remorse I try to right it with my index finger. All it does in roll itself into a ball and become defensive. So I am obliged to wait another 15 -20 seconds until it's faint passes and it's antennae twitch to see if it is on the right side. Nope! Still on its back, waving its multiple feet like a little accordion player who has no accordion to play.

Now I get inventive. I tear off a sheet of toilet paper and place it on the floor next to the bug. I think maybe it will now have something to grasp and be able to right itself. Now my mind is thinking, once righted I can smoosh it and wouldn't that be the ultimate frustration, killed after having succeeded in getting to its feet. Gees!

In placing the sheet of toilet paper next to the bug I caused it to faint again. I guess you can imagine sitting on the floor and all of a sudden out of nowhere comes this gigantic sheet of something and plops down next to you without warning. Maybe we'd faint too.

Now I have to wait another 15-20 seconds while the bug recovers. My ass is getting sore. Pretty soon the antennae twitch and sure enough the bug grasps the edge of the toilet paper and pulls itself right side up. Now the edge of the toilet paper looms as an immense obstacle so the bug sits. Finally I quickly slide the toilet paper away from the bug which causes the bug to faint again. For Christ's sake!!!

My ass is now sore enough that I get up and tower over the bug like some immense figure. At last I have gained the stature to which I think I was entitled all along. Having zipped up my pants I continue to wait. Sure enough the bug comes around again and this time is on its many feet. It slowly turns, turns some more, turns a little more and then starts off headed directly at me. I can't stand it any more. I have given this bug humanity and now I have the sense that it is lurching toward me with its two front feet outstretched crying Daaadddddy as it heads towards its savior. I can't squash it now, it is beholden and appears to have loyalty.

I unlock the door and leave, the bug still heading in the direction I had been. So passes and insignificant moment.

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