Friday, July 27, 2007

Strange Thoughts

I have a strange sense of humor, my friends tell me that, my children tell me that, my wife tells me that. I find humor in minor events and major events. Oh, not everything is humorous, I don't make light of cruel or tragic events or situations. Where if find my humor though is in strange places, I wonder about things a lot.

Now that I am fairly well along on the road to recovery from bowel resection my mind turns to the little niggly things that plague me still. For example, having a bowel movement is not the ho hum event it was seven months ago. My system is still rebelling at the incursion the surgeon made into my lower abdomen. As a result I end up sitting on the commode feeling like I have to go and not going. Sometimes if I strain mightily I will have some results but the surgeon has warned about herniating or rupturing the resection seam so I have to try an stop from doing that. Often if I strain the results are not very complete, I still have the feeling there is more to come, or I haven't finished the movement yet. I feel like an unsuccessful composer developing a symphony, I haven't finished all the movements yet. That is where I have come up with the idea of a bowel movement has turned into a symphony for me, it is made up of many movements.

I have discovered other things. The NST (No Seeum Turd) Apparently the stool is now so aerodynamically shaped that it shoots through the water goes down the trap and out of site so fast that if I life my behind to see if my contribution to the commode nary a ripple remains on the water. It was like I never went, yet I know I did, but where then are the results. NST's!

Often I have to sit on the stool a long time, waiting. This is not good for idle minds that are full of mischief as is my mind. Soon I start to contemplate, is the stool tapered on the front end or the back end? There is that old childhood joke of do you know why a turd is tapered? No, why? To keep your asshole from slamming shut. So I wonder, what kind of noise would that be? If the stool is crowding to get out, in other words, packing itself into position for its exit then it seems to me that the nose end would be blunt and the back end tapered as it hopefully eases away from the rectal area. So, if the stool has a jagged or broken off appearance does that mean that I had an incomplete movement and some remaining stool enjoys plaguing me with that unfinished feeling?

I recall years ago there was a fascination in the U.S. with "floaters" and "sinkers." I have heard some very humorous presentations on that topic. Supposedly if you have a "floater" you have a balanced diet and the digestive tract is working well. If you pass a "sinker" you have too much protein or something that causes it to sink. Hell, I have both, sometimes in the same symphony. However, I have noticed since recovery has been under way that the percentage of floaters to sinkers is improving. I guess that is a good sign.

Apparently there is a tensile strength issue too. Once and a while I have a stool that seems endless. I feel relief and would like to see such a prodigious effort. That is when I am frustrated by the NST syndrome, see above, and it is gone, Or, perhaps a tail lurks in the trap giving me a hint of length but not knowing is frustrating. Other times I have it break in the middle and obviously there is a compaction issue that reduces the tensile strength so that it cannot support it descent. This is OK. The ones that are frustrating are when they break and the rest will not come out. That is when you are left with the feeling of having to go, but cannot. I call this the "hang fire" problem. A "hang fire" in an artillery piece is when the primer does not fire and you are left wondering is there is some smoldering explosion waiting to blow up in your face should you open the breech. Well, its kind of the same thing, you feel incomplete, it hurts or aches, and you are left cleaning yourself, pulling up your britches and walking away with that feeling in your butt. Sometimes the feeling goes away and everything is OK for a while, other times you just get set to continue whatever other activity you were involved in when the rest of the stool says OK, NOW!

Well, that is what is on my mind this week. Humor is everywhere, you just have to look for it.

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