The "last" for a long time

Saturday, June 9, 2012 I started my last week of maintenance chemo. It has not been bad. I take nine pills of a drug call Xeloda. It converts in my body to a drug called "5FU." It is the drug used in conjunction with radiation a year ago. The effect of the drug is not as profound as it was a year ago, I think mostly the inflammation from the radiation compounded by whatever side effects the drug contributed were what made that phase of the treatment so rough. However, these drugs are not without some side effect. I get a funny sensation around my lips. I do not develop mouth sores nor am I having any breakouts on my extremities. But I do develop an odd taste in mouth. I also get fatigued about day four. Not too much during the day, but when I come home at night I am bushed. I have found myself going to bed as early as 7 PM.


This is the last week. I am ready for some long period without treatment to see how my body settles out. Right now, it does pretty good. I have had some episodes where my body says "Purge thyself." That can get pretty rough. I lose control of my bowels and have to stay near the bathroom. I have yet to try any Limodal or Immodium to stem the tide because I kind of feel that nature is getting rid of stuff for a reason. 


Other than that, I feel good. My energy level is not real good, but them I'm 67. I am up by at least 5 AM every morning and don't hit the bed until after 7 PM at night. I work a fairly long day, albeit it is pretty sedentary. Still I work, I come home and I really appreciate life. I hope this is the beginning of a long run of good health. It has been a long year.

Going Back in Time

I do a lot of thinking during my daily one hour walk. Today I got to thinking, suppose you were given a chance to go back in time. You would still have to live through the same times moving forward, but you would know what you know today. How many years, or what age would you go back to?

I thought about ten years. I'd be 53, not 63, and I would not have had the cancer experience. However, I was not running the training group I now manage, I was still very much over weight, I was a Type II diabetic, had high blood pressure, high cholesterol, and did not have much get up and go. So no, I would not go back ten years.

How about 20 years, to 1988. Well, I'd have been in Arkansas one year, I would be going through the stress of relocation, a new job and my divorce. I would do some things differently, but it was not a good time in my life. So no, I wouldn't go back 20 years.

Today I have a job I love. My wife and I are financially secure. Our property is well developed and will be paid off soon. We have some money in the bank, an investment portfolio, and I have survived cancer. I've lost 50 pounds, my blood pressure is normal, my diabetes is gone, and my cholesterol is normal. I only take two prescription medications, and my get up and go is back.

So how far back would I go. Well, I'd go back to age 18, 45 years ago. I'd have a lot of choices to make. I'd probably go into the Army first instead of after college. I'm not sure I'd go to college, I'd probably learn a trade. I would know about drinking, cigarettes, and how my marriage would turn out. Would I marry the same gal? Hmmm, there really isn't a good reason not to. She is a good woman, and had I known what I know now, maybe our life choices would've turned out better.

So I guess the answer is, Naw, the choices I made have turned out the best. Life is good, just shorter now. I'll enjoy the years I have left with the decisions I made, no regrets.

Brookfield Poo Pond & Kenny Kiar

Never heard of Kenny Kiar? I have. The year is 1965, I get a summer job at the City of Brookfield, WI Sanitary Department, otherwise affectionately known as the Poo Pond. I was hired for general labor and the first thing I had to do was scrap and paint a very long metal railing that went around the place. I was out doors, no one pushed me and I just worked along. However, if you know me I was bored stiff and angling for other things that appeared to be more interesting, like driving around Brookfield servicing substations.

Kenny Kiar was a maintenance man, and older fellow, in his 40's perhaps. He worked at the Brookfield Sewage Plant several years before I arrived. He was gone most of the time on repair assignments to the various pumping stations or substations and we did not work together much at first. However, when I was done with the railing painting and the mowing he and I did start traveling about the city on repair missions. I would glaze broken windows he would check on and perform preventive maintenance on the equipment. We became friends.

After a time every morning meant a stop a the Brookfield Cafe for a sweet roll and a cup of coffee. Here Kenny indulged me with stories of his Navy days and lamented that he never had the opportunity to go to college. As a result he would never let me buy the sweet roll and coffee for either of us. He would say, "Your going to college, you need to save your money, don't become like me a man who'll have to physically work the rest of his life."

Every time I have a sweet roll and a cup of coffee I think of Kenny. I hope his life turned out well and he got to sit in an easy chair and watch his garden grow.

Love and In Love

I have been told, in the south, that it is OK to love someone, but it may not be OK to be in love with someone. I have a very dear friend, a male and we tell each other we love each other. A childhood friend, also a male, when we see each other we tell each other we love the other. I love my wife. What does "in" have to do with it? To be "in" love almost sounds like an act of love, then what is just loving another person. I do not know the distinction.

A psychologist I know well described love as an act of choices. I choose to be with this person. I choose to honor that person by being faithful and caring of their emotional well being. I spend time with that person because I derive pleasure from being with them. I care for that person with my material resources because I want them to be provided for. We share intimate thoughts because we trust one another.

Then mix in sex and the equation really goes ballistic. Yet I am not sure sex is an expression of love rather of a physical need that gets fulfilled by two emotionally attached person. After all we read of people who are promiscuous, or we read of swap clubs, or a lot of couples have affairs and dalliances that would seem to be impossible if a person truly loved the other.

There seems to be two aspects to relationships, rational and emotional. The two mix, but sometimes not well. A steady parent loses his head in an emotional relationship with an exciting, enticing woman and all of a sudden a marriage blows up and people are hurt because emotion overrode rational judgement.  On the other hand can a person love a person intensely and yet the rational side defeats the emotional side.? So what is love? I guess love by itself is just that, strong, warm feelings toward another person, mix emotion and you have an increase in intensity, but I'm not sure that love is any greater, just enhanced by hormones.

Then again, what the hell do I know.

Are We Teaching Hate?

My daughter Jenny has a blog, the Jenny Life. It is good. She is creating a phenomenal history for her children as most of the articles include pictures and a description of activities the family has participated in. I cannot imagine the value to those kids in 20 or 25 years. From time to time she posts an article that gets me thinking, probably far more or deeper than I should. A recent article is titled the exact title of this blog, Are We Teaching Hate? The gist of Jenny's blog is she was concerned that a book that her daughter brought home about MLK might awaken in her mind the fact that Blacks look different than White, Latinos or Asians. There were pictures from the civil rights era showing dogs attacking civil rights marchers, water cannons being turned on protesters and other pictures showing the tenor of the times. I believe Jenny believes that her children don't see Black, Brown, or Yellow. I do not know if and/or when children notice we are different one from another. I never had the opportunity. I grew up in a small town in northern Michigan, we had no TV, at least not until I was twelve years old. News of the world was simply not known to me. So I was naive.

As I moved on I learned. I spent the better part of Friday evenings at college talking with a black librarian named Mr. Scott who took the time to talk about the similarities in our families, black and white not the differences. He told me of the social culture of blacks and that in many ways it was learned just as white people learn their social culture.

I took part in college wide discussions and programs on civil rights and the right of equality. Nigger was a word I thought of from time to time, but it did not come out of my mouth. It is kind of like we learn all those words we associate with prejudice, stereotypes and hate, Kike, Mick, Wop, Dago, Spic, Chink, Zipperhead, Slant eyed, Jap, and on. Dustin Hoffman in a 1974 film titled :Lenny" played Lenny Bruce, the idol of none other than Richard Pryor. In one scene Lenny is playing in a smoke filled club and starts saying, "Are there any Kikes in here, any Niggers, how about some Wops or Mick. Any Spic's." He zeroes in on a black man and his date sitting at a table, and he says again, "How about some Niggers, you a Nigger there?" The Black man is infuriated, humiliated and about ready to pounce when all of a sudden Lenny says, "I wish we would use these words and make them part of our everyday vocabulary so they become acceptable. Perhaps then a black child might not run home from school crying because she was called one of those terrible names."

Point made, point taken.

We all have prejudices. We all have stereotypes. They are taught us by being around our parents, our community, our teachers, and those we grow up with. Do we teach hate, We can.. We can teach it in our homes, we can teach it in our schools, we can teach it in our churches, and we display it in our actions. I think prejudices, stereotypes and differences between people need to be discussed and talked about. I think we need to emphasize that we are truly equal, I can use any other human blood in my body for a transfusion. Race plays no part in that. We can fall in love with people from different races. We owe it to ourselves to understand our prejudices and stereotypes so that when we come up against one we can make a choice. For if we make a decision about a person based on race, color, creed, religion, etc., without thought we fall victim to our prejudices and stereotypes and deny ourselves the opportunity to have a wonderful human experience.

Values are learned close to home and at a young age. Our values change over the years as we grow and mature, but our beginnings are right in front of us.

Gingrich Wins South Carolina

I watched some of Newt Gingrich's victory speech last night and heard the cries of USA, USA and the humorous one of "A Newt Beginning." Several people have asked me could I vote for Newt. Frankly, yes I could. Could I vote for Obama, frankly yes I could. They certainly don't sound alike and obviously have different ways of viewing the same issue. However, Newt has in the past been a fiscal conservative but a pragmatic progressive. I think he articulates good judgement on the immigration issue. We could not stand the economic impact of losing 14 million people who fill jobs none of the rest of us don't want. Many of the industries in our area cultivate Latino workers because the generally exhibit and outstanding work ethic and work very hard. The fact that some of employers take advantage of them is wrong, but they are a good labor market.

I don't have a big problem with the Health Care Plan, I'm 67 and want health care. I think everyone should participate in the premiums. I think it is patently unfair that some people in good health opt out of health insurance and then when they have an issue use the emergency room and I end up paying for their care. Baloney, we all should be in that pool.

Most economic writers agree, the president has little to do with the economy. In fact, the slide happened years ago and if we remember the end of the GW tenure in the White House he proposed and got passed the first real stimulus package. When you read about how to solve recessions and depressions most experts agree that governments have to go on a spending spree to get people back into the market. It is said that 70% of our recovery in the economy will be lead by the average consumer. We need to get money into their hands so they can spend The conservatives want to put the money in the hands of business and rich folks who aren't going to hire people until the economy expands. The money is in the wrong place.

Finally the issue of Newt's personal background. He's been married three times. Apparently his second wife has some ax to grind. I am not so sure we have to have a pasteurized President. Maybe a guy who has stumbled, tripped, been arrogant, prideful, selfish, and hit his head on the bedpost a few times might be the right kind of guy to lead this country. I sure as hell couldn't cast the first stone. I also don't believe the President has to line up with the country on every issue. I'm Pro-Choice. I don't think that is an inherent contradiction with family values. After all, what are family values. Ten years ago 60 some percent of the folks between 18 - 25 were married, now only about 40 some percent. Divorce is rampant, marriage is falling off and so is the birthrate. So family values are different today. Newt may fit that new paradigm better than Romney or Obama.

So yes, I could be comfortable voting for either Newt or Barack. I just wish we had some better names, what the hell happened to Tony, or Jack, of Frank, or Bill, or Ron. Christ, I feel like I'm voting for a lizard or a belch.

How do I feel about 2011

CNN's question today was how do you feel about 2011 ending? The two answers were "I'll miss it", and "Good riddance." I chose good riddance. 2011 began with me in a great deal of distress. My digestive tract was acting up and I was encountering rectal bleeding, pain, cramps and bloating. A day did not go by without me encountering all of the above symptoms. I was depressed and at my wit's end. My thinking was, "If this is going to be my quality of life going forward, I don't want it." I finally got my family Dr. to refer me to a GI guy, Dr. Hightower. The initial diagnosis was IBS, Irritable Bowel Syndrome, and the treatment was a muscle relaxant which did nothing and an anti-depressant called Lexapro. I was trying to watch what I ate, but everything upset my system. I was taking eight fiber pills daily to try and keep my stool soft so it would pass without irritation, however while a little better I still had a lot of pain, difficulty on going to the bathroom and bleeding.

Dr. Hightower recommended a colonoscopy, but we both agreed that since I had a colonoscopy a year earlier at the VA in Poplar Bluff and that report was everything was normal that it must just be IBS. It turns out IBS's greatest catalyst is stress, and I was under a great deal of stress because of how badly I felt. The Lexapro began to kick in after a month and I could actually feel the dark cloud lifting, however it still didn't do much for the pain and symptoms I was encountering.

Finally after four months of doctoring we did another colonoscopy. You can imagine how both of us felt when Dr. Hightower told me that there was a suspicious mass at the sight of my previous surgery and I would need surgery again. The son-of-bitch at VA missed it. It would not have made any difference in my needing surgery, but I would not have gone through such hell and have the problem taken care of a year earlier. The bastard.

So began a tough trip for Terry and I. The treatment consisted of concurrent radiation and chemo. After the radiation and chemo six weeks passed and I had a collectomy, which is a resection with a iliostomy to allow the surgically repaired area time to heal. So I spent ten weeks wearing a bag which proved to have its own problems. My skin became irritated and there was nothing I could do to heal it as there was the constant presence of fecal matter. I had accidents where the bag prematurely leaked, in public at times. However, I did not experience any bloating, cramping or bleeding so that was a plus and encouraging.

Finally on October 13 the reversal surgery was performed that reattached my small intestine to my large intestine and the plumbing system was back in action. Now came successive periods of diarrhea, an almost constant flow of fecal matter that irritate the skin around my anus and proved to be extremely painful, that lasted about two weeks. Then it evolved into more formed stools but a mess to keep one self clean. Finally after about a month of that things started to get normal. In the meantime I was feeling good. The pain, cramping, irritation and bloating were gone. Today, I feel absolutely great. I go to the bathroom quite frequently because my rectum is gone and what comes down the large intestine wants to get out. However, I am comfortable when I go, I eat pretty much everything I want. When I do eat rich foods I will have a BM episode that might last for an hour or two, but no pain, no discomfort, and I now say I have a teflon ass, nothing sticks to it.

So this is my 2011. I say good riddance, but that is also bittersweet. My wife put up with an enormous burden, ME! She hurt as I did and she cared for me completely. The Dr.s were superb and caring, I could not have received better treatment.

In addition, two of my employees succumbed to cancer. I worked with these people, I knew their families, and we like one another. So the emotional upheaval of my condition, the loss of two co-workers, and the devastating effect of ovarian cancer on another of my employees who is surviving quite well today, all took a physical and psychological toll. In addition, right at the end of the year a lady I've worked with for ten years announced she was leaving our organization for a better opportunity. I wish her will, she deserves it. However, she and I were a tight team for ten years and I will miss that relationship terribly.

So, good riddance 2011. I hope 2012 brings a measure of peace and stability. I sure could use it.