Growing old isn't so bad.

For some reason today seemed kind of special. I went to our local farm supply store. I like it there. Perhaps because it speaks to the out of doors. I looked at the heavy bib coveralls. I didn't buy, but I may. I looked at the cedar bedding for the dogs. Again I didn't buy, but I may in the future. I over heard an older lady at the checkout, we would refer her to as a country gal, talking about something she had purchased that needed to be charged before use. It did not work right and she was in to get a replacement. She wanted the clerk to open it up and see that the charger gave the proper signals. I suppose she wanted assurance that it worked before she carted it home. For some reason it struck me as good.

As I left an older man was getting out of a disheveled old car. He had a paper in one hand that looked like a check. Perhaps going in to pay a bill, it is the 2nd of the month. He had on old work cloths and a big old floppy brimmed had that spoke of gardens, pastures and such. I just had the impression that he was going in to take care of obligations. There is something American about that and he sure wasn't rich. However, I had the feeling he was making it the best way he knew how and didn't much concern himself with those things geyond his control or experience. Not a bad way to grow old.

One of the negatives about growing old

Growing old forces our perceptions to change. Thirty years ago I was invincible, my friends and contemporaries occasionally suffered health problems but most were colds, flus, back problems, seldom serious. Serious happened to other people. Now things are different, the odds are catching up.

A colleague, only in his thirties has cancer. He is having complications and the cancer is active throughout his body. He is undergoing chemo and probably will go into remission and remain cancer free for some years, but the risk is elevated.

An old friend I worked with at Case years ago has incurable prostrate cancer. The Dr.'s are treating him with a new drug that stops testosterone production that puts the cancer into remission but the doctors have told him average survival is between 1 and 8 years. The hope is that new treatments will prolong his life and he will die of something else besides cancer.

I talked to my sister today. A dear friend of hers from the Milwaukee area suffers from emphysema, and asthma among other issues. In addition an aneurysm along her aorta is getting larger and there is nothing they can do as she would not survive surgery.

My sister's husband is suffering leg pain from swelling in his left leg. They are going to a Dr. to see what can be done, but he is 86, so I'm worried about that outcome.

My contemporaries and older siblings are encountering health problems that are causing concern. People get angry with us when we talk about our health problems, but it is starting to surround us.

I hope I go like my grandma, go to bed one night and not wake up.

Life is tough, but it is still filled with magic. So I hope others won't think too ill of me if I speak of these issues. We all have to face these time, I just hope I have the grace to handle it well.

My Birthday

Today, 12/24 is my Birthday. I am 63 years old this day. It is hard to believe that so much time has past. It just seems like months ago my Father was alive and he's been gone almost 12 years. My Mother past away in 1971, almost 37 years ago. I am the youngest of three remaining family members, my brother past away in 1982, some 25 years ago. I have one sister who just turned 81 and another who will be 77 in March. The family is growing older, we are beginning to fade from the scene.

If it sounds like I am a little down, I am. My children are in their mid-30's. The whole generation level is shifting up one notch. Yet, the best times are now. I am relatively secure in my job. Our home and property are about paid for. We live on property that allow us a great deal of privacy and offer us a lot of chores to stay busy. Staying busy, my wife would say, is our means of survival. It seems like there should be so much more. It seems like we should make a contribution to the health and welfare of society that continues the progress of humankind trying to understand and reach its potential.

Not all of us can play huge roles in the success, or failure of the human race. What we can do is contribute. We can lessen our negative impact on the environment by recycling, by trying to husband our resources. We can improve our human condition by interacting with people in ways that are helpful and supportive. We can be contributing members of society and see that we are the best that we can be. This is enough. We all can't write the "Great American Novel." We all can't paint a masterpiece that says something to mankind. We can however, care about our neighbors, we can take care of our property, we can limit our impact on the environment. To that degree we can be positive, contributing members of this huge spaceship Earth.

So I am 63. I am in the best health I've been in for many years. I feel very good, and I aim to be around for many more years, hopefully doing my part to make this life experience meaningful and helpful to all.

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year.

Crossing a New Bar

Well an interesting event seems to be occurring and I am the unwilling participant. Five months ago I knew I was past 60, however I still felt that I could lose weight, exercise and carry on as I had years ago. Then, a colonoscopy revealed a suspicious mass that turned out to be malignant. However surgery was successful, the malignancy had not spread and I was pronounced well by an oncologist. In the meantime I had a recovery to make, which was and is rather rigorous. Then eight weeks after surgery an old problem reared its head, atrial fibrillation, or arrhythmia. The last episode I had of that was 16 or 18 years ago. I have taken medication for all that time, but apparently the stress and trauma of surgery brought about a recurrence. Now I take another pill.

So what is this "New Bar?" I feel vulnerable to those things I thought were not of my time. Will my heart arrhythmia cause further serious problems. I have no heart muscle damage, my cholesterol is within limits, I've had two heart caths that indicated no blockage, and as recently as December as part of my pre-op procedures I had an stress test and echo-cardiogram that supported no blockages. I am sure my risk of serious heart problems rise above that of someone with no arrhythmia but should I feel so vulnerable. Perhaps time and getting used to the new rhythms will ease my discomfort. For now I feel age bearing on my shoulders.