I'm scared!

I think I write too many posts with the idea that my daughters will read them and I don't want to appear human, Dad's aren't human, they are towers of strength and fix things. However, I didn't write this blog to be syrupy positive and strong, but to reflect the events in my life that may have some interest to my loved ones and whoever else may come across these writing. So here goes.

I'm scared. When I had the bowel resection almost four years ago I was mostly numb. The colonoscopy said I needed surgery. I didn't fret, I was just like an automaton, going along not reflecting or thinking about it too much. The polyp turned out to be cancerous, but caught so early the Dr's all said, "you're cured." Recovery was just that, putting one foot in front of the other waiting for time to pass and my body to heal itself, which it did. However, there has always been a problem. I do not go to the bathroom easily.

I had pretty much resolved my self to a life of having strain & pain when I had a BM. However, I found relief and had an hour of pain but 23 hours of ease. I had resolved it to be an acceptable trade. However, as time has gone on the pain & strain has gotten worse. It culminated about five weeks ago to almost constant pain and bloating with small periods of relief. I didn't do anything. I could not make sense of the events but was hoping something would pass or it would get better.

Now after several episodes I think the restriction has become more pronounced. I had a "bug" hit me about a week and a half ago and in the process I took a strong laxative that literally cleaned me out. The result was after the bug passed I had 3-5 days of almost euphoric ease. I had energy, the old optimism was in force, I was alive and vital. But, I wasn't going to the bathroom, it was just stacking up in my body. I have tried 4 doses of laxatives in the past week without success. I get painful cramping, a sick feeling, and no relief.

Why am I scared. Because I think the problem is mechanical, not an illness. I think there has always been a restriction but for some reason it is worse. I'm scared because I feel like I'm going to have to under go a battery of tests including a CT and that time energy and fear will be spent on trying to find out what is going on. I don't really believe it is a return of cancer. I just had a colonoscopy ten months ago and the report was all clear. However the Dr. at VA that did the test had the personality of a slug. He didn't even acknowledge me when he came into the OR to do the procedure. He certainly brought me out long enough to point out that there was still some fecal material in the colon and that I hadn't cleaned out really well. He was an ass. But that didn't mean he didn't do his job and the report was OK. Could it be scar tissue building up? I suppose. Maybe it is a slight kink. Regardless it is going to cost me time, energy and worry until it gets resolved and that has me angry, frustrated and afraid all at the same time.

My wife is able to set aside worries and do something to focus her mind elsewhere. Me, I've got to obsess about it, I have to speculate, wonder and analyze. It is my nature about all things, I wonder, I try to learn, I speculate and I analyze. It has been one of my most powerful characteristics in my work life, but it is one of my terrible faults in my personal life. So here I sit, scared, worried and frustrated of what I see looming as a significant problem. However, I also know that I carry that analysis to the extreme and what has seemed to be insurmountable issues have been quite insignificant when reality is determined. I hope that is the case this time.

A week to go

A week from tomorrow, mid-term elections will be over. Today on NPR one panelist referred to this mid-term election as possibly setting the political tone for the next decade. Heck, I thought when Obama was elected the political tone was set for the next decade. Politics, so maddening, so confusing, yet so right.

Fact is, if the Republican's take the House they can't repeal the healthcare bill. They can underfund parts of it, but once the American people realize that the whole bills is so interrelated that you won't be able to change part of the bill without effecting a lot of the bill it will continue on.

Fact is, all of the politicians operate on raising our fear level. Regan asked the American public to think whether or not they were better off four years ago than they are today. My answer is no. I have my home paid for, I spend far less than I make, I've husbanded our resources and my home is renovated and looks good. I don't have cancer, and my heart is ticking along well, so yes, thank you for asking, I am better off than I was four years ago. So are my kids. So is my ex-wife. So are a lot of people I know.

I wish the electorate would rise up and say to Congress you must term limit yourselves. You should not be career politicians who put personal gain over public welfare. So throw the bums out. Elect the Republicans and watch our ever present political process grind down their rough, and ready edges.

Then you know what, in four years we'll ask again, are you better off today than you were four years ago? Know what, I'll bet the answer is yes.

A Strange Thought

I sincerely believe that man's inability to deal with the unknown led him to create a God. Which man then worshiped as the granter of all good things and blamed for all the bad things. Wars were fought under the auspices of God, races were slaughtered in the name of God. Nowhere have we any proof that the "right" God won. We have stories, but in all of the years of war, slaughter, and genocide has any final verdict been rendered? No, the battles still rage.

What if there really was a God? What if that God had a universal philosophy that all living things were created equal and no one species was any better than any other species? Logic would then say that the species of the world live in harmony and balance with each other, only one species has not. What if all living creatures were following natural rules of evolution. Where then is heaven?

Always two sides

A good friend sent me a slide show with a beautiful rendition of "Don't Cry for Me Argentina" as the background. It purported to trace a parallel between the U.S. and Argentina of the past century. Argentina according to the information was second to the U.S. in economy around 1900. They had railroads, industrial development, and a robust economy Then came the progressive/socialist politicians who instituted government run health-care, stimulus packages and appealed to the masses. Thus the disintegration of Argentina and the argument that the U.S. is on a similar track.

I don't say hogwash. However, what concerns me is that the other side of the story is ignored. Yes there was industrial development similar to the U.S. but there was abuse of the workforce, there was no pass through of the riches the industrial and agricultural captains gained. Just as in the U.S.

Are we so naive to think that a group of workers got together and said, lets fork over two hours of our wages every month to a group of people to represent out interests with the owners, and let's call that organization a union. No, people who did not kowtow to the owner's wishes could be black listed, never to work in that community again. They could be summarily fired at a whim without recourse. This country's legal system is built on the right to have your side of the story heard and a judgment rendered. I do not like unions because the nature of the union's philosophy leads to mediocrity. But, unions did not spring up from some satisfied worker wishing to bond together, they arose because of the abuse the owners perpetrated to satisfy their own lust for power and greed for material reward.

A story is told of George Pullman who had built a company town for his workers. Due to a recession in the 1890's the Pullman Palace Car Company was forced to lay off workers, some of whom lived in the company town. When rent came due workers told the company they had no income and could not pay the rent. Pullman was supposed to have replied, well, my bills continue even with the economic downturn, so you must still pay the rent.

I believe in an individual rights. I believe we have the responsibility to take care of ourselves and our families. I do not ask for help from anyone, if possible. But I also believe in being fair and just. Many captains of industry were not, their riches were gained off the sweat of the workers and without care or consideration. Henry Ford did not increase the pay of his workers to $5.00 a day when the average was $1.00 per day out of some sense of humanitarian fairness, but so his workers could afford to buy his cars.

What we seem to have a difficult time accomplishing is a balance. Perhaps it is the the nature of our kind that a balance will never be struck because of the basic competitive nature of mankind. But it should ebb and flow without violent swings, and that is what this country is all about. ;

Ft. Hood suicides

An article on the CNN website today discussed four military suicides last week at Ft. Hood, TX. This apparently brings the number of suicides to fourteen this year plus the shootings of military personnel by a radical Major. One of the suicides was apparently a murder-suicide, one an army private and the last a Master Sergant who had been injured during a tour in the mid-East. I cannot help but wonder if some of the reason isn't the fact that their participation in the military operation has no practical or realizable outcome. I am amazed that American parents continue to let their sons and daugthers participate in a military action that has no measure of success. It isn't like we are going to beat and destroy an evil. We are trying to establish a democracy in a region that does not tolerate democracy very well. So meaningless participation in a military action that has no satisfactory outcome other than political could make a person despondent. Especially one severely injured.

What do you do?

Our dog, Lily, appears to be dying. She has stopped eating, she drinks very little water and hardly has the strength to stand let alone walk. Yet she went outside and tinkled, then actually had a small BM, and then stood for minutes. I finally carried her back to the porch and she was able to walk in. She is now lying near the water dish, but I think she just doesn't have the energy to go any further.

She cannot talk to me. I now recognize that when she tries to move her back legs she wants to move so I pick her up so she can stand. Earlier this afternoon we sat on the floor near one another. I stroked her head softly, I rubbed her ears and fondled her neck. I whispered to her that we loved her, she was a good dog, and if she had to go it was OK. Over and over I whispered that phrase. At one point she turned her head toward me and gazed deep into my eyes and held that gaze for sometime. It was not a hurt gaze, or a scared gaze, it was and understanding gaze. I tried to tell Terry at lunch, but I couldn't get it out. I can write about it, but I can't tell my wife yet. I breakdown and can't talk. Pets should not be so lovable. It breaks your heart.

But I shall continue to talk to her, to stroke her head, to offer food, to stand her if she wants to stand and carry her back from her trip outdoors. Whatever she needs I'll provide if I can understand her want. She does not appear to be in pain. She does not appear to be very uncomfortable, no wheezing, no coughing, no labored breaths. She actually seems quite tranquil. I keep hoping that I will take her a food offering and she'll take it. I keep hoping she will take a long drink of water. I keep hoping she will be OK. She is only one and a half years old, she has rabbits to chase, squirrels to chase, and a sister to be played with. I don't think she will get to do that, and that is profoundly sad.

A long reading project is done!

I have felt for some time I wanted to know more about the founding of our country. I've read some history books from that period and read articles that have provided information on the times. However, about two and a half years ago I took on the task of reading the Federalist Papers. Mostly written by Hamilton, Madison and Jay I looked forward to being enlightened concerning the intent our founders had in creating the constitution of our country. The Federalist Papers are a series of articles published in the New York papers explaining the intent of the authors of the constitution as there was a widespread debate raging in the country over the upcoming election of ratify the constitution.

It was tough reading. The English language of the day does not read easily, the sentence structure is confusing, and there far more references the the latter or the preceding that left me having to try and go back and see which was which. The Federalist Papers are a wonderful sleep aid. I tried to read a letter in one sitting, sometimes that was too much. I am done, just finished a week or so ago. I feel a sense of triumph in having stuck with it. I feel a sense of disappointment in that I don't feel much more knowledgeable than I did before. I also feel relief in that I no longer have to pick that book out of a sense of task, but to reread upon occasion for understanding.

I think now I shall look for a text that helps me understand the writings and the context in which they were written.

What did I learn?

The men who wrote the constitution were a strong group. Their values and opinions were diverse and ran deep. The founding fathers were astute when it came to politics, human behavior and very aware of systems of government in place in other parts of the world. I think they had a strong sense of evolution of issues and left parts of the constitution vague for that very purpose. Succeeding generations would interpret and make their own sense of things.

I do not think these men were states rights folks and wanted a necessarily small federal government, but I think that had an idea of what they could propose and successfully pass the electorate at the time. I think they showed profound wisdom when they argued that the federal government needed to be responsible for making treaties, enforcing treaties, providing for the common defense and had to right to raise funds to provide for the services provided.

I found their reasoning for using trial by jury in most cases to be most profound. Juries are to provide a check on the corruption of the judges, and the judges are a check on the corruption of the jury. They men understood human nature and our tendency to always act in our own best interests.

I intend to go back and study further. I want first hand knowledge that I have developed instead of assholes interpreting the constitution for me. I am glad that I am done. I do have a sense of accomplishment even though I don't feel a great sense of knowledge, but at least I know where to look.