Mortality revisited

For the third time in ten years I have had major surgery to cure a colo-rectal cancer. So far it has not. However, the cancer seems to revisit in the same exact spot which is highly unusual, so I always have hope that perhaps this time we got it.

In the meantime I have to put up with the sore abdomen, the uncomfortable feeling of being swollen, and the general weakness that comes with you body putting out a lot of healing effort due to the surgery itself.

Mentally it means coming to grips with mortality, again. You think you deal with it and and everything is OK until the promise of recovery and sick feeling you have during recovery. Will I see my kids, I want to enjoy retirement, I want to be with my wife, I do not want to die yet. So we fight on, we hope on, and perhaps this time, I'll be successful.

Undontional Love

Last night during our evening cocktail hour my wife, Terry, revealed to me that if we were to move to the Upper Peninsula of Michigan to finish out our lives we should do so in the next few years and she is fine with coming with me. This was very emotional for me. Terry knows how I feel about my home in Munsing, MI. The friends I have there but the setting and knowledge I have of the surroundings.

A Still Mind - Not!

There is a blood test, sometimes I wish I'd never known of, it is call CEA. It is used as a marker that may indicate the recurrence of certain cancers such as the colo-rectal cancer I've experienced. Slowly for the last two years my CEA has climbed from well below 3. 0 to now 8.4. Above 3 is considered elevated. I had a PET scan March of 2013 because my CEA had risen above 3.0. The scan was clear. However my CEA continued to march, but slowly and sometimes it even seemed to take a step back. My oncologist said that is not cancer, if it was it would always progress.

Well several more months went by and I had another CEA test, this time it rose to 6.4. I was in to see the surgeon for a follow-up and when he saw that the office time was over and he schedule a CT scan. That was June 2014. The scan results were clear.

I felt good, I've gotten up most mornings and worked around the homestead, gardening, repairing equipment and moving items to expand my shop and equipment shed. So when I went to my oncologist appointment in early July I was sure my CEA would be down and things were looking rosy. In fact, the Dr. patted me on the arm and said he thought I was doing fine.

Then came the port flush. It is an implant I've had in my chest for years now that gives the oncologist's nurses access to my blood system should I need a steady stream of chemo. Even though I've been cancer free for three years the port has not been removed because five years is the threshold for being considered cured.

I asked the nurse who flushed the port for the report on my CEA, you can imagine my feeling when instead of dropping I saw the number elevated to 8.4 . I was sure and so was the oncologist that the number would go down. It didn't. My heart jumped, my thoughts were Oh Shit!

So a few days later came the call from the nurse whom I've come to know by first name and like very much. She said the oncologist had scheduled another PET scan and another full colonoscopy. The PET scan came first, then the colonoscopy. The PET scan revealed a "hot spot" indicating the radioactive marker in the sugar water had congregated to a spot in what is know as my "presacral" area. I had the colonoscopy a few days later and it showed no sign of cancer.

The presacral area is just between the anus and the tailbone. To have a growth there is very infrequent. Mayo Bros Clinic logged 68 cases in 20 years. Most growths are benign, but with an elevated CEA the possibility of cancer increases.

Next Monday I have a biopsy scheduled in this area. If it is cancerous then surgery will most likely be the method of treatment. In all probability "it" is confined. Surgery, while not often performed appears to be fairly straight forward. But damn, this could make the third time in seven years. All of the previous two cases were supposed to be non-recurring and the prognosis very good for long term survival. Now, I'm not so sure. What does this mean. Is this a metastatic form or is it unique and isolated. Is it malignant?

I try not to worry. I go on about my day as though I have many more left. The damn thought though intrudes and can cause a ripple of fear to roll through my mind. I just retired. I am enjoying my life so very much, I want to enjoy life for a number of more years. Terry and I are working, growing our own vegetables, fruit and fixing the house. I love it. I mow grass with a large tractor I bought and we are clearing woods that is paying off in scenic settings. I love this, it is what I worked hard for all my life. I am not going to give it up without a fight, but it seems like all I can get is about three years of peace.

Oh well, I suppose three years at a time for 7 repeats gets me 21 years and that might be enough.

Our California brethern.

What if the drought that California is facing is part of a long term environmental cycle, nothing to do with global warming. Just a cycle. What does the government do? The president promised aid, but what aid. Will water trucks soon be on the road carrying millions of gallons of water to the parched landscape. Will the billions of dollars in lost farm revenue be made up by the government with low interest loans. What if the answer is that the man made irrigation systems and the incursion of humans into an area that is not able to sustain their agricultural effort has reached an end. What if the area really needs to be abandoned back to nature. I do not believe we can do it. We may spend untold amounts of money trying to change the course of Mother Nature, and we know who will win that round.

Free at last, Free at last, Thank God Almighty, Free at last!

I am really making light here. I have come to realize that my adult work career has not been a trap. I have been fortunate to be in positions where I could exercise my creative forces, I've lead people, developed high performance teams, and earned the respect of my people, peers and colleagues. Isn't that enough? Yes, it is.

Now my first couple of days after retirement. Oh, I'm on leave for several months, but still I will not return to work as I know it. So what's different? Not much. I still find myself checking work emails. I still have a couple of memos to write trying to promote some people that I feel deserve consideration. However, I have wiped clean my browser history at work, I have stopped looking at my work calendar and the school's website. I have taken my office keys off my car key ring so they no longer can remind me of that place. Perhaps the biggest change is I am realizing this weekend that come Tuesday morning I will not get up and go to work at ANC. I shall get up and decide what I want to do at home. 

That is what I meant about Free at last! Other than appointments that I may freely make I don't have to be someplace at a predetermined time. Other than commitments I shall freely make I don't have to do anything I do not want to do. I have a sense of freedom that I believe will expand in the coming days and I am looking forward to. Thus ends the first blog.

Pending Retirement

Thursday February 5, 2014 I will cease work at my current employer. I will go on leave for about five months, I have enough accumulated leave time to cover it, and my permanent retirement will be June 30, 2014. However in my mind this coming Thursday is it.

I am filled with thoughts, none of them sad or bad. I have spent my adult life managing the efforts of others. I am tired of being responsible for people's performance, output and ultimate success of the organization. I want to do something for me. I want to use my head, my hands and whatever limited capability I have physically to do things for me, my family and that is all.

That will probably change as time goes along, but right now all I can think about are the projects and tasks that I have looked forward to doing, myself. The list is long, it is ambitious, and some of it may not be possible, but I assure you the attempt will be made. My wife and I own the property we live on outright, I think we shall have sufficient income to carry us in retirement and we are eager to begin on our own agenda.

I am starting to make a clean break with my past life and start anew in this undertaking. I wish I weren't so old, 69, or physically weakened but I can still manage most things. So c'mon Thursday, I can't wait to get started working on retirement.

Simple truths

My wife and I have a morning meeting that begins most often around 5 to 6 am. We have a pleasant sitting area in our bedroom and discuss the day, issues that have cropped up we may have to deal with, gardening, recipes and whatever may come to mind. It is a treasured time.

Recently we were talking about my impending retirement. I voiced some concern that my working life was ending and sometimes I felt like I was waiting to die. Terry asked, haven't you been doing that all of your life? It's true. Work has always defined me. I love a problem and a challenge. My work life has presented me with that ongoing opportunity and I've done well. If provided for my family plus it provided me with an outlet for my strange creative powers. I'm not a musician but I'd like to be. I'm not an artist, but I'd like to be. Still I have developed an ability to direct the work of others and very well thank you.

So now I find myself in a "limping waterfowl" work situation. My focus has altered to home and projects I've been wanting to tackle for a long time. I no longer go to work feeling like there is a mission to accomplish, or a challenge to take on. In fact, because I have to endure fecal incontinence due to my two bouts with colon cancer work is more of just getting through the day. I'm not in pain, it is just distracting to have to get up and use the bathroom a number of times during the day especially when you don't have the comfort of being home.

In reality nothing has changed in my life. I have always looked forward to and enjoyed change. This is no more than a transition. I hope I have at least ten good years, by that I mean where I am physically able to care for our property, work with my wife in the gardens and flower bed and to still cut brush and built things. The changes I am contemplating, wood working and such don't require a great deal of physical effort if you have the right equipment and that I am in the process of acquiring.

Once again a simple observation from my wife is very relevant to the situation I now find myself in. I don't often think of death, I probably am more concerned with the process. I have a home, a nice piece of property and a wonderful wife. I do not want to end up in a nursing home or a hospital. But that is somewhere out in the future and other than trying to take care of myself I shall not worry about that now.

Are We Becoming a World According to Google?

A recent article on CNN referenced Google expanding the capability of Maps. I use Maps. Not a great deal, it is handy when my wife doesn't know a yard sale location, or if we have to travel to a site we've not visited before. I've used it to check out travel routes, even though I know the way by heart just to see if a more direct or convenient route has opened up. I can find where a friend has moved to, or if I wanted to visit them how far would I have to travel. I find the response and convenience astounding and to me it has a very practical application.

However, this article referred to the idea that Google was expanding the Map software to become an interactive software that will record your inquiries and suggest points of interest, restaurants, etc according to your queries. Sounds nice, I might like to know what restaurants are nearby a place I am going to visit. However, over time the data base will be full of my travel, my exploration on line, my preferences, my likes and dislikes. In short the data assembled will form a pretty complete picture of who I am, what I do, where I go, and a whole host of personal information. 

We already have huge amounts of data stored in data bases out in the cloud, now we shall have another type of data. I wonder, how far will this go. It won't stop, there will never be a time that the data bases know all they want to know. The issue is how will it be used. I'm not sure we can stop it. After all, a lot of the convenience we enjoy such as on line shopping, banking, ordering theater tickets, plane tickets, hotel reservations, etc involve the transfer of data about ourselves. This data is already accumulated by such firms as Axiom. How many times have you researched a topic on the internet just to find an email from a related topic in your in box the next morning. I just did. 

Under the guise of Homeland Security, anti-terrorist security and the search for pedophiles, pornographers, sex-slave rings, and a whole host of evil doings the access to information about our personal lives has to be of compelling interest to those agencies. Therefore, I do not think we can stop information gathering and classification. I'm not sure I want to, but we certainly are forced into a trust of our government to properly use the data. Can they be trusted. I think most would say not. I wonder how one gets off the grid?

Too much convenience?

I like convenience, particularly in my computer and electronic "stuff." I like a remote that is easy to use and is multi-functional. I like the ergonomic keyboard that Microsoft came out with years ago, I have big hands and a regular key board forces me to keep my elbows in and forearms straight to type decently. The ergonomic board allows me to keep my arms relaxed and the raised bottom provides wrist support. I like speed in my computer. I recall when the Internet first came out and I was up to date with a 14.4 Kbs modem. I'd fall asleep waiting for the screen to refresh. Now it is much quicker, but I'd like instantaneous. I like excel and the power of word processing.

I like having my banking on line and used auto-download for entering my spending transactions into Quicken. I order quite a bit from Amazon.com and am mostly pleased with the speed with which I can order things and complete the transaction, sometimes with less waiting time than in-store purchases.

However, I was yanked back a little the other day when I saw and essurance ad that was extolling the speed with which they could give you a quote on car insurance. The ad said, a couple of clicks and we'll have all your cars that you can get quotes on. One part of me likes the speed and convenience. The other side of me says where are they getting the data from and how so quickly. I've read articles about huge data bases that house our buying, banking, and spending habits. Many of us pay with either credit or debit cards and all of those transactions are recorded someplace. Now with the capability to compile and query, vast stores of information are known by some machine that concern our life style. This is disturbing. I don't think I have any transactions that might be taken as surreptitious, but then I really don't know my life style pattern that a third party might become aware of.

I think we, as citizens have to be more vocal, more action oriented, and more on guard about what our government advocates and/or allows. Privacy is becoming more and more of an issue. Now with the war on terrorism the government, probably with good reason, wants access to private transactions and in fact has a profile(s) used to uncover potential acts of terrorism . So is it unpatriotic to fight against the invasion of privacy for the sake of safety? Or should we take the stand that we  hold privacy sacred above all consideration. This seems to be a very tough question for our society to meaningfully debate. I stand with privacy, yet my logic makes the need to know all manner of information rational and just. So I am torn and have not really been able to think my way out of this box yet. 

I'll let you know.

A Life Passed in One Day.

Certainly a woman as wonderful as my sister Carol should have more than an hour of visitation, and hour of service and an afternoon of gathering. After all, doesn't her life mean more to those of us who knew her than the one day we spent paying our respects. That is all the time we are allowed, some have to get back to work, some have to travel long distances and wish to return home, and then how much time can you really spend telling stories and reliving memories?

I have read of great people, I have seen biographies, I've witnessed the action of the great and powerful in public life. We don't know of Oliver North traveling on his own to a distant hospital and putting on his uniform, even though he was retired from the military to visit a young person who wanted to meet him before he died. We often do not know of the personal involvement of the great and powerful in small events that are critical to very few.

I have come to realize there greatness is not limited to great and powerful people when it comes to caring for you fellow man. Everyone has an impact. My sister no less. The visitation and service for my sister was held in a packed church. People from a variety of areas came to pay their respects. I think most understood the difficult health issues Carol had the last three to six months of her life. Not being able to breath with ease was a cause of anxiety and fear that few people know. Yet she persevered. She played bridge, she attended church functions, partied with her Red Hat group, and went to plays and concerts with her friends. She never failed to have a positive effect on people. You would never know she was in trouble until she called a dear friend and said take me to the ER, I'm having breathing problems.

Carol was a tireless worker in the community, but her biggest impact was on her friends. She had many. So if the theory that if we touch one life we may touch many, I am sure she touched many. Probably as many as the "great and powerful." I am also sure her impact was positive. Plus if you count the remarkable family she raised and the grandsons potential for impacting our lives, she was a very remarkable women. 

I shall miss her. Many shall miss her. She was a great and powerful woman.

My Sister's Passing

I have noticed something recently. My beloved sister Carol passed away last week. For some reason I don't feel bad. I mean I do not feel overwhelmed with emotion, sad to the point I cannot stop thinking about her, or walking around dwelling on her being gone from my life. Some of this can be hidden. It was ten years after my mother passed in 1971 that I awoke in the middle of the night dissolved in tears and was comforted by my wife over how much I missed her. Over the years I have come to realize that death is a part of life and that it serves as a reminder on how to treat people. Anger is an emotion that passes and time and talk can resolve. But to carry anger or hatred for a person all of our life stains our life and makes the colors less bright.

I'm not angry at my sister. I love her very much. Which is another thing I've come to realize and mean to correct. When someone passes I've heard people say I loved him or her so much. My sister is gone, I love her. I don't love her memory, I have memories, but I love her. I love my Dad, I love my Mom, they have all been dead for some time. My love for them will die when I die, not when they die.

Yet I remain puzzled, my surface feeling is peace and wonderment that such a fine person could be removed from our midst and no momentous event of nature took place. No gathering of clouds, no shaking of the earth, no rattling of the wind, just a passing of a shadow that will remain forever in the minds of those who knew and love her.

I have also come to learn that greatness is not solely for the great. The attributes that make people great often spring from those who simply go about their lives caring for people, standing for principles, and trying to make a difference. That difference can be large or small and the impact can also be large or small. It isn't a measure of greatness that large numbers were effected, but that the effort was successful at all. My sister Carol was active in her community, had circles of good friends, had a boundless sense of humor and loved to laugh. Sure there were a lot of things that made her angry, and she became upset with family members from time to time, but it never lasted. She had a good perspective on life and lived it to its fullest measure. Even days before she passed she made her famous Strawberry/Rhubarb pie for her daughter and her partner. Then she made a choice of how she wanted it to end. Her end came peacefully, her children were with her, she was comfortable and knew the deep love of family before she went. It was almost as though she charged up to the door, stopped and went through of her own accord. 

I will miss her. She meant a lot to me personally. When I was going through a medical challenge a few years ago I talked with her daily. She never objected, she told me of her situation with cancer in 2001 and her recovery, she shared intimate stories of her recovery with me to help me understand my own situation. She and I were close. One day a few years ago she and I took a trip to Traunik, MI. to the Mikullich family home. Our family and their family are linked by my brother's marriage to Gladys, or Micky one of the children. We marveled at the size of the upstairs home above the old store. We wondered what it must've been like to raise such a large family in such a small area. It was a bright, sunny blue sky kind of day that makes being out and about in the U.P. so special. We had such a fine time, just the two of us. It was a great day.


The picture is of me, Tom, Carol, and Phyl.

So now there are two, my sister Phyl and I. Phyl is 86, I am 68. The odds are I will be the last. However, I feel no weight to carry on anything, my Mom and Dad and siblings have done all the heavy lifting. I will enjoy their fruits and live my life hoping that when I face that door I have enough grace and class to pass through as Carol did.

Moral dilemmas.

When I was young I used to day dream of hunting. I used to dream of bringing wild game home and feeding my family. Rabbit stew, squirrel stew, venison steak, liver, partridge, pheasant all made up the menu. I've killed rabbits, squirrel partridge and pheasant. I've never killed a deer even though I've filled the air with lead. I have eaten a fair about of venison though. That has not bothered me from a moral standpoint killing to gain food. After all, isn't that the instinct of all species, survival. Some are prey, some are predators, but the food chain is vast and varied.

Cattle bother me. I've seen pictures of abused cattle being prodded with electrical shock sticks, hung by their feet and whisked down a overhead conveyor while still alive. Disheartening treatment by the superior predator, Man!

We live close to a butcher. He has his own herd, he slaughters calves mostly and has been doing so for years. As my wife and I travel back and forth I've seen him down a beast and cut it throat in the holding pen that is along side the road we travel. Terry came home one day to meet the man with a carcass slung from the front end loader taking it to the shop for processing. The holding pen isn't bad, it gets muddy when it rains but there is shelter, water and feed. He does not seem to mistreat his cattle. In my mind though it is death row. There is only one way out for those cattle waiting there and that is hanging on the end of a front end loader.

I have talked about buying meat from the man for some time but Terry has it in her mind what happens to his cows and considers him a murderer. I must admit I find it rather tough to look at the young cattle in the holding pen. Yesterday when I rode by the man was out by the fence doing something when a young bull kicked up its heels and joyfully jumped towards the man. Kind of like, "you want to play?" He paid no attention to the steer, and I don't blame him, you certainly cannot get attached to your inventory that way. But it made me feel sad. I kept thinking the beast does not know what awaits him, or does he? I hope not, I hope God has made that species to live only in the moment and not have the ability to contemplate the future. 

I got some raw bones from the man a few weeks ago and the dogs enjoyed them immensely. From time to time I thought, have I seen the steer whose bones you are gnawing on? However, they are deriving great pleasure, the dogs that is, and certainly good nourishment. But, I still can't help but feel guilty and sad. That's life, no one has ever said it is fair or just. Plus, I've talked with the man, he is a friendly nice man. Probably one I would enjoy knowing. It is a quandary I have no answer for.

Christmas Thoughts 2012

It has been a wonderful Christmas time. I came to realize that this is the first time in a number of years I have felt well at Christmas. Five years ago I was waiting for surgery on January 9 to remove a tumor from my colon. Four years ago while the surgery was successful, I was still recovering and had had my gall bladder out in November 2008. 2009 brought a pretty good year, but I was encountering digestive tract issues that I did not understand and were frustrating. In 2010 I was miserable, what we thought was IBS was in fact the tumor recurring and partially blocking my colon. 2011 was recovery from months of radiation, chemo, surgery to resect the bowel a second time, then surgery to reverse the illeostomy. This is the first year I felt well in body and spirit. I hope I have many more years of wellness. I can handle the aches and pains of age, but the unwell feeling is a real downer.

This year I have come to realize that my grandchildren at moving out of the toddler stage to young girls. I am encounter.

This year I am still amazed at my oldest daughter, Kristi and how she has grown and matured and taken charge of her life. She is doing, and going, and being a vital part of her nieces lives.

This year I am amazed at the woman who married me. She exhibited strength beyond my understanding during my illness. She cares so deeply and loves so much. She is truly a partner, I hope I am worthy of her.

Other grandchildren have come into play, Sam helps so much and is so eager to do so. Timmy lives in our trailer and is willing to help, he provides for himself, and is not problem.

The dogs are beyond measure. I have chosen to love them unconditionally, although sometimes that is difficult. They have rewarded us with the same love, and constantly look out for us, are around us, and always willing to let a hand pet them.

This Christmas was truly a magical time for me. My daughters, Jenny and Kristi were full of the spirit of the occasion and are going on about their lives in such a comfortable fashion. My sisters seem well, and their families are supportive and caring. It just seems like a good time for reflection, and I sense serenity and peace of mind. The greatest things a person can have.

Politics, Politics

It is two days since the November 6, 2012 national election. I would feel remiss if I didn't comment, not that it matters much. Obama won. I am neither happy nor sad. I voted for Obama. I voted for Obama more because the Republican party did not seem to stand for anything that I could get my mind around. 

A Senate candidate in our neighboring state of Missouri made a comment that if a woman were raped her body could prevent contraception. In Indiana a Senate candidate said if a woman is impregnated by rape it was intended by God. They were both beat and should have been.

We have the religious right, evangelical Christians who were against Obama and got our over 70% of their base to vote for Romney, problem is their base accounts for less than 25% of the eligible voters. They alienated much of the other 75%. Smart huh?

A map of the U.S. showing voters densities is almost all red, Republican. The population centers of the U.S. are all blue, democratic. What did Sam Kinison, the abrasive comedian say, "It's where the fucking people live." Don't visit North Dakota, that's not where the people are. 

What happens when large groups of people live near one another. They come to see the value in diversity. It stretches the imagination, it pushes your mind to new possibilities. When you and forty others gather in church on a blustery windswept prairie guess what, you all have the same issues and feed one another the same solutions, nothing new there. So guess what, people in large cities are more tolerant of extremes like abortions and women in positions of authority and power. Guess what, smog and the environment are an issue when your government services are handling millions of contributors to the sewage system and choking the highways with auto exhaust. It is hard to imagine why the environment should be of such concern on the lonely roads of Wyoming. 

Why should the government spend a bunch of money. Look what we do in society.  When we go to far we go bankrupt, no big deal. Start the program all over. We demand outstanding health service that only the employed and well of get. You ought to go visit a county health department and see who is sitting there waiting to try and get their kid into a clinic someplace. We have to drive cars that call home for us, phones that whisper in our ear, and devices that connect us with the world 24/7. We listen to get rich quick schemes of "flipping" houses and Wall Street comes up with financial products that are based upon huge leveraged investments in huge mortgage bundles whose contents can't even be ascertained. 

Then when the whole thing falls in the shitter we ask the government to bail us out. When we have to generate cash into society to get people to spend we run up a deficit and guess what, when the government starts to live like we do as a society we don't like it. 

So now we find ourselves in an interesting position. In a month and a half we hit a wall and huge spending cuts will be mandated and a large tax increase will fall upon our heads. Guess what, it is the old Congress that has to fix it, not the new guys. The American people reelected BO by 2.5 million votes, not an overwhelming margin considering about 110 million votes were cast. About 2%? Not a margin a President can hang the mandate handle on. The Republican goal of taking over the Senate was thwarted. So now we have the old boys in Congress who dragged their feet, who said NO to all that Obama tried now will be blamed for the biggest ride back downhill if they don't get off their collective asses. I find some comfort in that, the bastards.

The people have said yes to Obamacare, they've said we must have a check and balance system but most of they have collectively told our political men and women, you figure it out now. Get along, put your heads together. This is not a Republican problem, nor is a Democratic problem, it is an American problem and we expect you to rise above petty politics and do something amazing for a change. Solve a GODDAMN problem!!! If I were Obama I'd hold their feet to the fire and say come up with something because I am not signing a "kick the can down the road" bill. You've till December 31, 2012. AMEN.

Kicked to the side of the road

How does it feel to be kicked to the side of the road? Not good. At the moment it happens it made me so angry I would've liked to commit mayhem. I did not write about it any sooner because it usually takes me a while to get my head around a very emotional event and I would have said things I do not need to say.

I was given a choice of taking a less responsible position with my employer or leaving the organization. I took the less responsible job. I need to have healthcare coverage until December 2013. That is when my wife Terry will be 63 1/2 year old and I can carry her on COBRA until her 65th birthday so she can get Medicare.

So, I was placed between a rock and a hard place. The decision was not hard, I will take care of my wife first. What really drove me to distraction was the manner the reassignment was handled. A lady who I worked with for over 10 years left the college I worked at. She went to another college where she did not fare so well. However, because she was the contact for a helicopter school that wanted to expand its operation and introduced the flight school to the community, plus asked for her job back she was not only given her old job, but mine too. I was told she was the successor and they (the organization) decided to move the succession plan up. Given this is a state institution with a hiring policy that requires open posting and selection a succession plan makes little sense.

Regardless I am in my new position. It will not be the work the old one was and the folks are good. I'll make the best of it until I can retire, then I'll put it all behind me and enjoy retirement and old age with my wife.

HOWEVER; they have really angered me and I am pursuing all of the internal remedies in a grievance procedure, then I'll file an EEOC charge of age discrimination. I may not get anywhere but I'll make sure the facts get aired.

My First Video Blog. Flex-Sigmoidoscopy

One Man's Poison Another's Medicine

We have been in need of rain for some time now. Like most of the country we are experiencing a drought, although we did have rain in July and are not as try as some, the lawn has gone dormant and the trees are looking distressed. So when hurricane Isaac was named and the track heading for the Gulf I thought we'd see some relief. We have. Late Thursday night/Friday morning it started to rain. I've  been watching the rain bands of the storm  north of the eye and we were on the right side meaning the counter rotation of the low was bringing water to our region. Yea!

Yet when it came I could not help but wonder about Mother Nature. We were experiencing some heavy rain but mostly moderate to light and steady. The wind was up, but we've seen a lot more wind than that and not called it anything but a windy day. Friday it rained off and on, and early Saturday morning a tendril of the bands hanging down from the storm moved through Paragould producing a nice soft steady rain all night long. It was the kind of rain farmers dream about. 

Yet hundreds of miles south of us homes were flooded, lives were lost, there was widespread devastation and severe property damage. New Orleans was pretty much spared but some of the Parrishs of Louisiana were severely flooded and emergency evacuation was taking place. Thousands of people were sleeping in shelters and hundreds of thousands were without power. Here, we lay in comfort with the window open listening to the soft rain of Isaac, the monster now tamed by moving over land and losing its engine of warm sea water. 

Like I said, one man's poison is another man's medicine. Mother Nature is certainly a complicated force.

A change in location

For those following this blog concerning bowel resection I have started a separate blog on that very subject. I have written about five articles about my second bout with colo-rectal cancer. I have been trying to move my health discussion off this blog because the title was meant for me to do a little ranting and raving on that most may not find very interesting, This blog receives approximately 500 to 1000 hits a month remains the number one search item on Google if you type in bowel resection home recovery. I feel honored and privileged to have created a blog that derives so much interest and I thank all of you for your caring and your sharing. For those who are interested in other colon health articles please see the attached link:

http://www.blogger.com/blogger.g?blogID=3654292179841215038#overview/src=dashboard

Side effects limit range of activities.

I had not thought about it until my daughter stated in one of her posts on her own blog, The Jenny Life, that colon cancer is not only a deadly disease but its victims encounter embarrassing and humiliating side effects. How true. The surgery is over, the chemo is done but my system is reestablishing normal. 


A week after I stopped maintenance chemo for good I left Arkansas  to travel to Michigan for my 50th high school class reunion and to visit family. It was fun, but it was clouded by my system. I could not seem to get it under control. Under control for me means I may go to the bathroom every few hours or so. I also may have a measure of control, which means I do not have an accident and shit my pants in public. Usually it is a small accident, but there have been times it is bad.


I visited my nephew in Racine and it was great to see he and his wife after all these years. We picked up as though we had never been apart. However, I had to stay close to a bathroom as I was experiencing some slight incontinence so I wear a pad to keep from anything leaking through which is not only embarrassing but could stain someone's furniture.


On to Munising and my class picnic. It was held at a classmate's beautiful summer home on Lake Superior. It was wonderful to see all of my old classmates. We are all in our late 60's now and no one put on any airs. That is over. We just hope to survive another ten years. I was pretty much at ease, no problem, lots of fun with my daughter and we had a good time.


Monday evening the class banquet. I was not at ease, I had no one to sit with and other classmates I was interested in sitting with seem to have grouped up and there was no room. However I sat with some old friends and had an enjoyable dinner. However, at the end of the dinner as the band began to play I had an accident. I was not sure, but I cannot afford to wait. I eased out and went back to my sister's. Sure enough I did have an accident so I missed the social part of the night. I don't dance so it was not big deal, but I would've like to move around and seen some people.


Wednesday was the parade, July 4. We had a float and other vehicles in the parade. I could not control my system. I was not having accidents, but if I did not make a bathroom in a brief amount of time I would have an accident. So I stayed at my sisters.


It was that way the whole trip and when I got home I was not happy. It was a tiring trip, I ended up driving from the U.P. to the Minneapolis area to see a sister who was under the weather then drove all the way to Arkansas in one sitting. It was a bit much. 


Now that I have been home for some weeks my system is getting more even. I have still had some accidents. One day Terry and I must've come down with a bug. I was out of control for much of the day and it wasn't nice. I had several messes to clean up but at least I was home. God knows what I would've done if I was out in public.


So life is OK. I don't hurt anymore when I go to the bathroom but my system is not normal and I guess I will learn to live with the unexpected. It does limit my range of activities and I do have to be more aware of what I eat and the situations I get into. That said, I am a survivor and now I know how thankful I am for every day.

The "last" for a long time

Saturday, June 9, 2012 I started my last week of maintenance chemo. It has not been bad. I take nine pills of a drug call Xeloda. It converts in my body to a drug called "5FU." It is the drug used in conjunction with radiation a year ago. The effect of the drug is not as profound as it was a year ago, I think mostly the inflammation from the radiation compounded by whatever side effects the drug contributed were what made that phase of the treatment so rough. However, these drugs are not without some side effect. I get a funny sensation around my lips. I do not develop mouth sores nor am I having any breakouts on my extremities. But I do develop an odd taste in mouth. I also get fatigued about day four. Not too much during the day, but when I come home at night I am bushed. I have found myself going to bed as early as 7 PM.


This is the last week. I am ready for some long period without treatment to see how my body settles out. Right now, it does pretty good. I have had some episodes where my body says "Purge thyself." That can get pretty rough. I lose control of my bowels and have to stay near the bathroom. I have yet to try any Limodal or Immodium to stem the tide because I kind of feel that nature is getting rid of stuff for a reason. 


Other than that, I feel good. My energy level is not real good, but them I'm 67. I am up by at least 5 AM every morning and don't hit the bed until after 7 PM at night. I work a fairly long day, albeit it is pretty sedentary. Still I work, I come home and I really appreciate life. I hope this is the beginning of a long run of good health. It has been a long year.